I have been too predictable to begin with , people know my wants , intentions/desires & like within minutes of the conversations. Now these are the three parameters, where a serious curative action is required. Now as far as want is concerned , right now I feel a little clueless to write about it so I would prefer to take it up at the end (hope fully should've figured something out by then ).Intentions on the other hand can be quite chicanery if perspectives are conflicted.I've never intentionally gathered courage to be a mean bastard & I can safely vouchsafe for that by supplementing more than one incidences where I have been punned to the core but still would/could not budge against my tendencies. The want frames an intention which inturn leads to an attitude which gets coined desperate by some & needy by the others. I always have desired a great social life but all of it has been given to me in some yearly installments. As I write honestly I confess that because of my dire need of exploring habitation has resulted in compromising my ego. I mean there are times when things are completely irrational but still I have to go through it because of the dire need to become sociable.
I've done things to satisfy other's ego but have defyed my own so much that it haunts me at times. Why do I step out of my comfort zone always just for a small rondevouz be it Bombay or Bangalore when it amounts to nothing? why do I do not refrain from calling people when they shun me the most? Is it because I value relationships more than their momentary dumb behavior or is it because I have been so habituated that it really does not bother me at all . In the whole scenario the male ego keeps abusing me internally that I should not be so expressive in my desires. I have gone back to talk to people with I have severed contacts, my tendancies seems to always act against a stand that I take at times. I know as I write this ,that its only after I get a setback that I realise I need to take a stance & only then I honour it. But it is always too late, by then the damage is already done, you curse yourself for a being a total arse , for not utilising logics between sentiments , for not moving ON as others have.
I seriously emphasise again ,there is something wrong because if I start listing out the bull craps I have been put through & if my reactions to them are ever analysed I would be an outcast in the "U fornicate me I'll hump back" group. I like to or rather should I say want to talk to people with whome my equations have been topsy turvy,is this because I have nothing better to do in this secluded place & its the only chance I have to survive ? even if it is so ..It is getting too much on my ego to take it. I really don't know why I did things that other times I thought of otherwise but this desperation has gone on too far, its has become like a apparation trying to find a cheap space within me to settle to (recession shit scares them now I know).
My close buddies tell me ,(actually its only ishita who does) that I give in too much too soon you act desperate. I never play the game, never let others do the math rather take it upon myself. If one analyses it from a "I wanna play a game of Hitch"aspect its a not at all a trait to have . But I have some conflicting views on this. They say "you always keep them guessing" thats the order , but I implore ; I implore because of its unfair nature. Women score more because its in their blood to have multiple wants hence a natural "I have to do the math" tendencies gets developed in the opossite sex. With men its the only one thing that is desired & expected to be handed over . That one sacred thing is already known, so basically its totally unfair on this account to ever play the game & think we can be players because we are not. We are freakin Deluded .
I dunno how work against the situations I think are embarassing for me , I mean I really don't know ...n there is Something Seriously wrong with me........
