Emotionally Challenged !!

Why do people blog ? does anyone come up with a common answer ;I don't know but I do know that most of them are looking for a cushion & the easiest soul that can take all your nonsense from a usual deranged mind would be this fine space bought by Google & leased out through crowd sourcing.Funny isn'nt , how rapidly we have evolved everything in & around ourselves in pursuit for a happy living but our emotions always get the better of us & sometimes questions the whole purpose .

You learn as you age, I believe this not only because I wrote it but also as I am a fool who learns through time & not through example.Why is it so difficult to improve ourselves emotionally , why can't we have some sort of immunity into action against foreign sentiments & repel even those thoughts no matter regarding whom they are constructed so that one can be left unscathed.I do not intend to severe relationship by being emotionally repulsive rather I intend to save it from deadening .

Baffling, the argument may appear to the naive mind but I feel its the only way to preserve cherished thoughts.If we can predict & be decisive about our dealings with regard to materialistic things in life so that we don't fall in the harm's way why can't we do the same with our emotions.Why is our emotion incapable of changing before situations, people ,objects & inflict less distress on the bearer?

As I say this , I can't help to think a corollary for the above "would life be worth living if we try to shield ourselves way too much from sorrow or maybe even happiness by trying to be emotionally Challenged".When you see both sides of the coin you tend to contradict the very purpose of this article but is'nt flipside is an attache to every decision we take. Should it be a detterant for not making a decision ? I guess not , we all make decisions under circumstances which we hope would bring out the best for us , we can never be sure but can always pray it works.

There is a wonderfull thing about blogging which I often realise but have never penned it down,not till today i.e " You want to let people know how you feel (& by people I mean the people who have been meaningfull in your life either in big or small way )but at the same time you are a little apprehensive about letting it all out possible for a fear putting the relation in path of danger , so what do you do ....You Blog as Being Vague is the name of the Game !!

..." The Road to El Desperado "...

......There is something wrong with me ..something terribly wrong which has probably got me this far again to open my Arunavcycle diaries & gallavant into the introspection lane. There are questions for which I don't have any answers & no matter how hard I try they seem to get drifted away ,so away that I get a feeling there are no answers & all that is required of me is to just obey follow the course laid down by who: Fate /God/destiny /my tendencies/instincts.In my 25years of being , I have done a few sensible things which I can count & plenty of nonsensical stuff for which I have run out of fingers if it comes to that.

I have been too predictable to begin with , people know my wants , intentions/desires & like within minutes of the conversations. Now these are the three parameters, where a serious curative action is required. Now as far as want is concerned , right now I feel a little clueless to write about it so I would prefer to take it up at the end (hope fully should've figured something out by then ).Intentions on the other hand can be quite chicanery if perspectives are conflicted.I've never intentionally gathered courage to be a mean bastard & I can safely vouchsafe for that by supplementing more than one incidences where I have been punned to the core but still would/could not budge against my tendencies. The want frames an intention which inturn leads to an attitude which gets coined desperate by some & needy by the others. I always have desired a great social life but all of it has been given to me in some yearly installments. As I write honestly I confess that because of my dire need of exploring habitation has resulted in compromising my ego. I mean there are times when things are completely irrational but still I have to go through it because of the dire need to become sociable.

I've done things to satisfy other's ego but have defyed my own so much that it haunts me at times. Why do I step out of my comfort zone always just for a small rondevouz be it Bombay or Bangalore when it amounts to nothing? why do I do not refrain from calling people when they shun me the most? Is it because I value relationships more than their momentary dumb behavior or is it because I have been so habituated that it really does not bother me at all . In the whole scenario the male ego keeps abusing me internally that I should not be so expressive in my desires. I have gone back to talk to people with I have severed contacts, my tendancies seems to always act against a stand that I take at times. I know as I write this ,that its only after I get a setback that I realise I need to take a stance & only then I honour it. But it is always too late, by then the damage is already done, you curse yourself for a being a total arse , for not utilising logics between sentiments , for not moving ON as others have.

I seriously emphasise again ,there is something wrong because if I start listing out the bull craps I have been put through & if my reactions to them are ever analysed I would be an outcast in the "U fornicate me I'll hump back" group. I like to or rather should I say want to talk to people with whome my equations have been topsy turvy,is this because I have nothing better to do in this secluded place & its the only chance I have to survive ? even if it is so ..It is getting too much on my ego to take it. I really don't know why I did things that other times I thought of otherwise but this desperation has gone on too far, its has become like a apparation trying to find a cheap space within me to settle to (recession shit scares them now I know).

My close buddies tell me ,(actually its only ishita who does) that I give in too much too soon you act desperate. I never play the game, never let others do the math rather take it upon myself. If one analyses it from a "I wanna play a game of Hitch"aspect its a not at all a trait to have . But I have some conflicting views on this. They say "you always keep them guessing" thats the order , but I implore ; I implore because of its unfair nature. Women score more because its in their blood to have multiple wants hence a natural "I have to do the math" tendencies gets developed in the opossite sex. With men its the only one thing that is desired & expected to be handed over . That one sacred thing is already known, so basically its totally unfair on this account to ever play the game & think we can be players because we are not. We are freakin Deluded .

I dunno how work against the situations I think are embarassing for me , I mean I really don't know ...n there is Something Seriously wrong with me........

iCrib.......!!!!

"To Crib or bloody well not to Crib that is the question..."Cribbing an art , a gift which just any tom dick or harrry cannot embibe. It requires grit, determination.To be a great cribber of sorts you have to begin at an early age.In order to inculcate this ,one has to learn how to get pissed n bugged with life on just about anything on account.

For a juvenile , it all starts with what we call "malnourished up bringing...".Be it the food or the grey cells.Make sure the kid on the block always has room for more but cannot get none coz you don't have none.The academic load should be optimum, enough to make him/her loose interest in anything that he/she undertakes.These are few of many different fundamental blocks which build us an "ACE CRIBBER".Further more every test in the offing the efforts should not be given their due.This simple step acts like a catalyst in the whole"i Crib" revolution and soon we have a potential cribber on the go.

The next stage which happens to be the graduation period is very critical.It is a make a break situation, so any decision taken without judgement or proper conviction in action can yield us back to ground zero.If that happens then all these years of "tapasya"goes down the shit pot
In order to avoid this the contender has to be put in a conservative atmosphere. A place where he/she is deprived of either beautifull selection of species respectedly, or libertarian beliefs.Where every object of desire or dire want has to be subjected to a contraband...(guess the word fits well here...)

All this while the person should always develope a mind set that "okay this is the bottom line of frustrated academic environment as well as the disasterous social escapade".The advantage in building up such a thought process is that you think that you have already imagined the worst and lived through it not knowing that situations have uncanny tendencies of going beyond expectations. The suddenly you come to the final stage ,that lands you in nothingness (as one of my dear friend is fond of.....).

The work begins to take its toll on you, and all these years of juvenile cribbin attains major.You get bugged instantaneously,as though its in your blood.Nothing in the world makes you happy not even sex..(coz you haven't got laid yet...)

Are U Satisfied...........!!

What does satisfaction mean to us.......? ...the complexcity of the answer probably lies in simplicity of the querry itself...Indeed it means a little different to all of us ..Probably its the contentment one feels after he /she has done something right....a state of being gratified..From a new born to someone on the verge of kicking the bucket ,they all pance around for this mental peace of some sort....

Like i said , every body has a different take on "Satisfaction"..when we pop out in this world the only nusance that we become is , towards our mothers...they are the ones difficult to calm coz the ladies never accord anything short of their demand... for an infant their demands are simple ..they should be fed well..morning rituals should be done in time..n a good amount of sleep..Fill in these demands n u will have a mom free of worries , mental tension..she finds peace when her child is at peace ....A expression of atonement which can never be measured and is priceless.....

Then comes a time when a time when u age ...and age enough to differentiate between a nipple and a pimple ....We begin searching for different avenues to achieve peace...For some it is by putting in a full days work and indeed feel proud about it...for some it is just getting through border line of failure ....Some raise the bar of perfection only to spoil the hopes of the weaker species or probably its done just to bring about maximum efficiency..

The point is that with every coming phase our perspective on achieving contenment changes , and changes rapidly.An un employed thinks he/she would be satisfied by getting a job..A working professional wants versatality in the job structure...An executive wants a 24*7 slogging support staff...A retired being wants something new , fresh that kills boredom ...

So much as the professional life is webbed, personal too does not tread on a straight line ..We have got issues , issues with ourselves, the one we love , the one who love us , hate us .

Some say if u achieve satisfaction you can never improve your self because then you begin to walk the line of stagnation where everything becomes monotonous , no thrills ..nothing new to work for , no goals to set , no perfection to improve.....

The point that still remains in the querry zone is that HOW CAN WE FEEL CONTENT WITH OURSELVES...?

Change!!!!

You hate it or love it but the fact still remains that change is inevitable....you cannot escape change ,there no running from it .Every body in his/her life has to go through their share of it. Personally i as a Piscean hate the word change ,but the irony is such that there has been maximum amount of transition post college.

To begin, i moved to greener pastures -the good ol Pune my favourite city on this planet earth..seing myself grow up there was a privelidge- (to me at least..) Anyways the shift was purely to land in a place of opportunity because job was what i needed more than anything...We want or lets say we need different things at different stages in our lives ,i guess this demanding need of ours propels us to change ,be it our priorities .
After three months of struggle i got placed in the core sector ,a place where hardcore Engineers thrive....Again there was this change from No Job to "yeah i got one too people"

What a relief it was to be employed..i consider my self lucky and i thank God for cuttin short the struggle season...Well almost couple of months into the job came another change....A good friend changed to an aquaintance and a gurl friend to no friend at all..It was pretty hard to cope up with it ,i was tangled in this emotional turmoil ...it was a big hit .
What started as a decent year was now ending up as a stained one.....

This was not enough for the "Dude Almighty" sitting above..Just as we were reaching the brink ,the year end ..i had an accident.Due extreme carelessness of a fellow employee i landed myself in hospital with a fractured forehead n a surgery in the offing....But like i said God is indeed a DUDE to me coz ultimately i pushed through all post accident happenings smoothly...The Dude saved my life , it was a narrow miss i mean i could have been coma or been gone forever...

After effect of this mishap affected a little on the work front as i was gone at a crucial time while Trainees like me capitalised .... There was again a change in my work habbits i started getting off work early , tired early ...It took time but i gradually increased my pace to rock back with my colleagues...

My friends will move out in time to come ..This summer is full of transitions.John -Ishi-Baner is gonna get back to Delhi n i dunno when will i see her next or won't be at all..
Aditya will leave his job n move to carlifornia for MS....buddy will be gone for long,we had the best times together ....
My brother mesutka is gonna head to blore for his job posting..(ok thats a good transit coz he will earn more than me n so i will spend all his cash)

I hate change .. i so wish that i never had that break-up, i so wish that aditya would be around, i so wish that my brother n ishi be together like this in times to come.., i so wish that the friends i lost on would have been there but for things said n done i can only say that worst is the sort of change that LIFE brings on to u.... its not fair , its hard and will thump u down and keep u low if u let it be ..its not only about how hard u get hit by all the depreesing shit that just keeps piling up every moment ..rather its about how much u can take emotionally .physically , mentally and still move ahead.....

I hate sundays...!!!!

Yes .....
u heard it right .i just hate it ..it gets me dangled in this serious retrospection mode thing which i detest completely....For a whole week i m in this fixed routine and suddenly a day off leaves me clueless ....although i try my level best to sleep away as much as i can but the day is too long to just do that...

So after i try n wake up by noon n peep outside my window .... the view of cows n buffalo(s) gets me thinking..ya the company is great but why am i in this hamlet of a place ..why can't industralists make steel in an urban jungle.....why do i, as a young man of 23 be deprived of weekend social escapades at more deserving places like pub n discs .....

Worse comes next when my mind gets flooded with career issues ....so how long do u plan to stick to this job? do u think u can handle the technicle shit that just keeps increasing by the day..? do u think u have it u to handle and commision a particular system all by yourself..?do u think...oh please shut up..its sunday after noon for Pete's sake gimme a break will u......!

My hostel is freakin dingy place to be put up in..n sunday is just the day that i realise what kind of accomodation i have ....the icing on the cake is that my computer crashed today , my only source of entertainment ....well come to think of it there is one good thing that i get to do peacefully is surf the net in the evening
..get hooked to the world for which i m crying out loud to get back too.....
cheers!!!

"go shouting its ur birthday"

The best part about celebrating ones birthday alone is that u get to eat the cake all by yourself ....lol....it all started at midnight when ISHI n AAABHHII called ...the birthday hymn was sung in chorous and me was on cloud nine... after this my hot babe mallu chickie pal from school DEEPA gave me a buzz ....we were speaking to each other after a long time ..it was good..she threw a marriage proposal but i insisted that she should surf a lil more before she zeroes it on me....lol....it was great people were calling..one after another...next in the wish parade was apni desi SADDI KIRAN.....apni college senior.....she was up just to wish me..n was sounding a lil drousy over the phone so i told her to sleep offf...was really sweet of her to call...

next morning calls started pouring from home...mommy daidy n poochi jha called up to wish me... after recieving the whole blessing sessions and aashirwad things i realised that i should move by bum a lil faster if i have to be in time for work....
Friends from college with whom i hardly spoke since end of college called ..it was really a great feeling...to be given so much BHAU....apna SHEVADE bhai n NIZAM wished following after noon....

after attending calls my mind litreally wandered away from work and my boss could see that...i was away thinking about friends ...college ...the fun we had.. ..especially my last birthday where there was booze ...muzik..women..(ok ..shucks thats the down side ..no women)..and birthday video and most importantly friends....... the previous week i had been to ISHI's birthday so was missin the fun i had ....

I was thinking of JAMUNA bar outside our college.... the company of friends and 3rdd rate quality of liqour we would become men for limited addition....was thinking of nizam 's wise crack comments and shevade's drunken nautanki.....us singing together on the street on our way back ....

Was a lil lonely though i just realised how life has changed ..how we have changed ...be it by compulsion r whatever ..but the fact remains that wherever u are its family n friends that make ur birthday ...even if u are away ,one is considered lucky to have been rememebered by sooooo many of them ...So though my birthday was nothing like the last time ..but it was still a rocking one in its own way.... i loooove u guys and thanks a ton to every one for remembering me.....